I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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