I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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