Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess