That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
