he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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