Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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