I think my fart just growled at me.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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