Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
