you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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