my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
