Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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