I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
