She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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