After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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