mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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