Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
