dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
