Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
