if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
