There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
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