I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
