I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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