I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
the liver wants what the liver wants
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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