So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
