I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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