I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
