paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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