Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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