I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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