He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
