Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
