I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
