by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wish you could order shots online.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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