I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
