just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
