I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
my poor anus
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
