420 ftw
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
