On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
3 2 1 whiskey
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
