I hate your face
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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