he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
