alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
