So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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