my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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