I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
what day is it and did you see me today?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
