Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
