why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
