there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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