literally had 100 drinks last night.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
