2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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