If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
