dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
