Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Welp...herpes.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
