WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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