Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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