So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
