I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
