you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
