Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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