The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
