1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
it's like iHOP with fire
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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